My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
