I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i think i just lost a toe
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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