I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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