you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i love accidental penises.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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