I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
