Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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