my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?