I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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