I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to have your abortion
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
