you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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