can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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