It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
