every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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