can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
