Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
