just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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