I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
