I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
