Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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