He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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