Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
