Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
