What a fucking waste of an outfit
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
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He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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