Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
