So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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