Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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