Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
