There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
