Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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