Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
