My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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