Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i may or may not be watching the land before time
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
