god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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