Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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