Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
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And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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