mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
