I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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