Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
