just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
