You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
