I met the friendliest cop last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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