last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
