remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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