just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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