I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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