I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
