Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
