Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
