I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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