i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
