You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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