what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
