I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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