Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
