i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
