She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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