DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
