shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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