You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
