my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
