yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize